I am burdened by positive motivations. I am convinced that I’m on this planet to spread peace, deepen truth, and create joy. Unfortunately details get in the way.
This is my daily to-do list:
1. Live fully
2. Work for the greatest good.
3. Make family life about levity as well as empathy.
4. Minimize my addiction to books (or at least pretend to listen to people who interrupt me while I’m reading).
5. Emphasize creativity, ethical truth, and deeper spiritual meaning in all I do.
7. Oh yeah, stand up straight.
See what I mean? Where is the time for all that bigger peace, truth, and joy stuff? When am I gonna change the world?
Other things get in the way too: the pesky allure of social networking, earning bucks to pay bills, making cheese and herbal tinctures, doing laundry, walking dogs, watching foreign films, plus lying awake nights thinking about my quest. I let these things block my life’s work all the time.
This path I have taken, entertaining grandiose visions while submerging myself in mundane necessities, is contradictory but comfortable. I’m too comfortable with those contradictions.
I’ve been known to blame this on my parents. They were the loving, nurturing types who encouraged their offspring to believe they could accomplish anything. Anything? That’s a heavy burden to carry around.
I’ve blamed society, the society that promises success to those willing to sacrifice important things like relationships and health.
I’ve blamed the Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow mentality which deluded me into believing that I could work at saving the world, get a paycheck, and still be home in time to make a healthful dinner brimming with those all important omega 3 fatty acids.
I’ve taken refuge behind my theory about stages in life, this being my Busy With Everything stage and my Noble Heroine stage coming up at some nebulous time in the future.
But I’m on to my newest excuse—–beneficial thought waves. I run errands, but my mind is sending loving energy to those suffering from fear or pain or despair. I sit through a meeting, but I am praying for the wholeness of the planet. I do laundry, but I am meditating on Unity of All.
I remain convinced I’m here to carry out my quest, yet how much is still undone weighs on me.
Well, that explains my bad posture.
First published Geez Magazine