The Bomb & Me

alive because of the bomb, believe in fate, anti-war, nonviolence, anti-nuclear activist,

Why do we take any one path in our lives? Perhaps a mix of choices and abilities are simply stirred in the cauldron we call childhood. Or maybe there are elements we can’t fathom.

Here’s one reason for my wonderment.

I was one of those kids who worried about every chained dog and crying baby. I wanted to understand why the world contained cruelty and more, how I could fix it.  When I was ten years old I learned about the splitting of the atom. It struck me with cold horror, although I couldn’t articulate why. Before that I assumed most adults were looking out for the welfare of kids and trees and animals under their care. But once that information sank in I was afraid that grown ups were terribly misguided. When I asked questions I found out my country had dropped two atom bombs on Japan and that it now used nuclear power. Adult logic suddenly seemed like a fairy tale. It wasn’t until years later that I heard what J. Robert Oppenheimer, called the “father of the atomic bomb,” thought when the first one was detonated. A verse from the Bhagavad Gita came to his mind: “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” Cold horror indeed. Even on sunny days I thought about death.

As the child of conservative parents, I don’t recall any family discussions about nuclear weapons or nuclear energy, pro or con. The few times I asked I was told the bombs had to be dropped to end the war and nuclear power was a safe, clean form of energy. I kept to myself the chilling fear I felt whenever I thought about the splitting of atoms. That is, until my father’s old college roommate was in town. Before his visit I was told he was a smart man who had done well for himself. (In other words, little girls must be extra polite.) And I knew my father hadn’t seen this friend since before I was born. All good reasons to mind my manners and listen quietly to the adults talk. Which I did, until I heard him mention he was an engineer for a nuclear power plant. I gasped (not a polite response) and asked him about the dangers of radioactive waste.

He gestured to the light switch on the wall dismissively, asking, “Do you expect the lights to go on or do you know how to generate your own electricity?” As a child still afraid of the dark, I didn’t have much to say. But his response didn’t ease my concerns. That experience taught me to get the facts before I introduced a subject and also to do something about my concerns. Thank you sir.

I’m sure my ten-year-old self would be disappointed with me. I haven’t devoted myself to freeing the world of nuclear waste and nuclear weapons, nor to advancing peace. But it’s an issue that has resounded in my life. I worked with anti-nuclear weapons activist groups for years and taught nonviolence workshops even longer. I campaigned and testified against the opening of two nuclear plants in Ohio (unsuccessfully) and against a five state radioactive waste dump (successfully). When my children were small we attended Hiroshima Day observances each year, floating traditional lantern boats with messages of peace to commemorate the lives lost.  We also hosted a child from the Chernobyl region for five summers, a child we grew to love and whose health is still threatened by elevated background radiation in her homeland.

Then I learned what splitting the atom meant to me, personally.

My father never had much to say about serving in the U.S. Navy in the closing months of World War II except that he had been a radar man. But in the last years of his life we heard more. He told us about one day in particular. He and the entire crew of their ship were called on deck. They thought it was to formally welcome a new commander. Instead they were given a classified briefing.

They were told all leaves were cancelled and all communication with home would be heavily censored. Their ship was being retrofitted to leave for an upcoming top-secret coordinated air and sea attack on Japan. Their ship would be third in line of the first fleet. It was considered a “sacrifice” ship. My father, a quiet religious teen who got drafted right out of high school, faced certain death along with the rest of his shipmates.

A very short time later, the U.S. dropped two atomic bombs on Japan. My father lived to attend college, become a teacher, get married, and have a family because of the unspeakable violence wrought by those bombs. I am alive because of those bombs.

That I’ve felt driven since earliest childhood to advance a peaceful, nuclear free world now seems to have roots more mysterious than I can comprehend. I don’t know if that’s destiny at work,  but it calls me to believe that our paths are far more complex than we imagine.

fate, destiny, predestination, peacemaker, Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds

10 thoughts on “The Bomb & Me

  1. I was one of those kids, too. One who collected lost souls like others collect coins and stamps; one who questioned the questions, feeling the pain of the universe. I know now that which enables me to see the pain also lets me experience the incredible beauty.


    • Feeling the pain of the universe seems like a curse, but it’s a blessing isn’t it? You’re right. It opens one to beauty and I believe, to mysteries we can glimpse but not quite reach even with the long arms of art or music.


  2. Laura, I love that you’ve never stopped asking questions. Keep asking. Sometimes others give us the answers to our questions. Often the answer comes to us, just in the asking. Fate or destiny? I think mission; missions as individual as our fingerprints, and ours for the finding and fulfilling.


    • Missions huh? That gives me a delightful sense of secret coded messages, hair-raising escapades, and hard won accomplishment. But come to think of it, life is full of hard-to-decipher messages and hair-thinning crises, and slow to arrive accomplishments. You’ve got something there Kimerly!


  3. I love that you are alive because of the great evil you now work against. It’s like in the shadow of that awful fire, an angel was conceived – as if the Earth had begun healing herself in small, steady ways even before the bomb dropped.


    • What a beautiful response. I like to think the Earth does heal herself in ways we can’t imagine. No chance I could ever live up to acting angelically but the image, of souls responding to that tragedy, that I can see almost as if you painted it with your words.


  4. Hi Laura, Lisa Claus sent me here. I feel like my fate was written out on the flip side of your story. My father grew up in Japan during the war. He was a physics student in Tokyo, where he survived the firebombing. Shortly after the war, he received an invitation from J. Robert Oppenheimer to come to the U.S. and become a visiting scholar in Princeton. My sisters and I were born here and we are grateful first-generation Americans. And now, 60 years later, I live on a pre-Revolutionary war estate in Boston with chickens and goats. Lisa didn’t know any of this. She just somehow thought your writing would click with me. It did, and more.

    – June


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