Smart Pants: High Tech Trousers For Every Contingency

I was called “Smarty Pants” a few too many times in my childhood. A little girl who can’t keep sarcastic asides to herself isn’t silenced by a nonsense term, especially when the invective is hurled by underpaid math teachers who wear terribly unflattering polyester slacks. The ultimate not-smart pants.

Now I’m well into adulthood and still too smart for my pants, thank you. I’m also not living up to my potential, just as my teachers predicted. Perhaps inventing trousers that qualify as truly smart could be my lucky break. Futuristic technology must be out there just waiting to be applied to legs and backsides in a fashionable manner.

What features would my Smarty Pants offer the savvy wearer?

  1. Zapper to halt verbal or physical forms of stupidity. Imitating the irritating way your boss smacks her lips for emphasis after every third word? Smarty Pants will helpfully jolt you with a mild electric shock if your boss is in range. Tempted to accept a drink with whoever is waving from the shadows of the airport bar?  Your pants will know if that’s the pilot. Zap again.
  1. A memory chip. This technology will mobilize at the first sign of perplexity. Forgotten names, numbers, and directions will appear on a Post-It in the Smarty Pants pocket for discreet retrieval. This could come in handy as the decades roll by.
  1. Low dose laser to melt fat in preselected areas even while the pants wearer is noshing on a post-lunch snack.  Disclaimer: noticeable steam generated by the device must be dissipated by walking briskly or swiveling in one’s chair.
  1. Seat belt tightener for those situations where the Smarty Pants wearer is sharing the road with idiots. Or is driving like an idiot. It happens.
  1. Anti-skid device. Not that kind. The kind that helps the wearer remain upright and avoid slipping on ice, tripping over curbs, skidding on banana peels, you know, equilibrium cruise control. Graceful strolling guaranteed, even for the chronic klutzes.
  1. A clever anti-erection device, useful in situations when this state unwelcome. It will activate when needed anywhere within range of the wearer. Never fear, the feature causes no permanent disability.
  1. Warming and cooling agents. Hot wait on a plastic seat at the DMV?  Smarty Pants will provide a zone of frosty coolness from waistband to ankles.  Tobogganing on a sudden whim? Smarty Pants will make sure you are a hottie.  But not so toasty that you melt the ice.
  1. Wrinkle-free, stain-proof and fade-free fabric. What’s more, these exceptional trousers will also be fireproof, inflate as emergency flotation devices, deflect bullets, and sport James Bond-like gadgets which are so top secret that each pair of pants will be unique. Figuring out the instruction manual may require tech support.
  1. Auxiliary wit, of course. Smarty Pants will telepathically transmit clever banter and droll remarks for every occasion. Unfortunately, this may become habitual.  Human smarty pants rarely know when to keep comments to themselves. It isn’t likely that the trousers model will be any more discerning.

Originally appeared in Poor Mojo’s Almanac(k)

About Laura Grace Weldon

Laura Grace Weldon is a writer and editor, perhaps due to an English professor's scathing denunciation of her writing as "curious verbiage." She's the author of "Free Range Learning," a handbook of natural learning and "Tending," a poetry collection. (lauragraceweldon.com) She's working on her next book, "Subversive Cooking" (subversivecooking.com). She lives on Bit of Earth Farm where she is a barely useful farm wench. Although she has deadlines to meet she often wanders from the computer to preach hope, snort with laughter, cook subversively, talk to chickens and cows, discuss life’s deeper meaning with her surprisingly tolerant offspring, sing to bees, hide in books, walk dogs, concoct tinctures, watch foreign films, and make messy art.
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8 Responses to Smart Pants: High Tech Trousers For Every Contingency

  1. rultigaro says:

    crazy colourful interesting thoughts ;) I like it! p.s.: i liked the painting above the post, at once i reminded my grandpa, who is a painter and has similar works)

  2. That was funny… the fist thing that popped into my head was: If pants were really smart, how did they end up wrapped around the smelliest parts of human beings???

  3. This is great! I write about objects – this caught my eye.
    http://www.awordofsubstance.wordpress.com

  4. Hey – thanks for sharing my stuff on fb. That really means a lot to me.
    http://www.awordofsubstance.wordpress.com

  5. katechiconi says:

    You may sign me up for the first pair off the production line. I will especially value the anti-klutz and memory retrieval modes, two areas where I am spectacularly non-smartypants. Might I also suggest a flashing light on the car keys/credit card pocket to avoid that cartoon style pat down, and a remote control for the front door so that one may enter with hands full? And perhaps for the male smartypants who enjoys beer and beans, a waist and ankle seal which will go into emergency shutdown to contain noxious emissions?

    • Flashing light! Remote key control! Noxious emission seal! These are invaluable smarty pants features Kate. Now, for the engineering team to make these much-needed pants possible….

      • katechiconi says:

        I don’t know any engineering/design smartypants, unfortunately, so the world must remain a less wonderful place without these much needed garments… I currently have a voice-activated Husband#1.0, which opens doors, carries bags and operates by mind control when I apply the WifeEye, but unfortunately lacks the noxious emission control at this time…

        • Hilarious! Your spouse and mine sound like the same operating system, although the version here isn’t much for opening doors. On the upside, mine is activated by WifeSigh as well as WifeEye. And WifeHug.

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