Not My Real Name

child

We learn early on that our names are serious business.

  • One of the main questions we’re asked as toddlers when out in public is “What’s your name?”
  • As we grow up, our parents tend to address us with nicknames or endearments, unless we’re in trouble. Then, full name at top volume.
  • Once we go to school we put our names on assignments and tests day after day. Sometimes classmates use our names to taunt us too.
  • Our names are right there for the world to see on diplomas and resumes and emails.
  • The names we’re given can affect the way people perceive us and even our career success.

Sometimes I feel as if the potential our parents saw when they breathed our names aloud for the first time is diluted by sheer overuse.

So I play with my name. If I don’t absolutely have to give my real name I use any other name that occurs to me, entirely on an inspiration basis.

When leaving a name for reservations at a restaurant, I usually make one up. It adds a little levity to my life. It’s also a decent short term memory exercise. If I’ve given the name “Snape,” I have to remember they’re talking about us when they call, “Snape, party of six.” Not as easy as it sounds. Try it some time. My default name for restaurant reservations is Ferdinand, in honor of the classic children’s book about a peaceful bull. It’s a quiet homage to the book and, of course, a secret acknowledgment that the name I’ve given is technically bull.

I use alternate names for mail order items, too.  Sometimes I give myself a new first or last name, sometimes an item comes addressed to one of our farm animals or dogs, sometimes I use a name I’ve made up. A magazine subscription comes addressed to Sarcasm Collective, Netflix envelopes arrive for Angelic Presence, and catalogs arrive under all sorts of use a pseudonyms such as Canning Whoop Ass and Ms. Procrastinator. It’s a remarkably effective way to track who is selling your information. For example, when ordering a piece of camping gear for one of my kids, I gave myself the first name “Spelunker.” The next few months I got camping gear advertisements addressed to that name, as expected, but also advertisements for motocross racing, yoga supplies, and silk underwear.

I bestow my love of alternative names on others too. My friends and family are accustomed to getting a card, package, or voice mail with something added to their names. At last month’s food co-op, the treasurer complained that her kitchen drawers seem to be taken over by twist ties.  When I sent in the check for my order, the envelope was addressed to her in care of Institute For Twist Tie Preservation. Not the best example, but the most recent. I’ve sent packages to my son’s college mailbox with odd name changes as well. (You may want to avoid this if your loved ones aren’t likely to appreciate or at least tolerate it.)

I also find it provides a moment’s amusement to use nonsensical names, fictional names, or the names of long-dead luminaries when writing something non-essential. I’ve recently signed for packages as A. Earhart, Scout Finch,  and Hubert J. Farnsworth. I filled out a farmer’s market poll as Susan B. Anthony. I added myself to a mailing list for local arts events as V. Woolf. The name I most recently put a waiting list was Ima Wench.

Maybe my name games are a reaction to the stress we all face in an uncertain world. Or maybe I simply find that a little silliness keeps me more gruntled than disgruntled.

Just remember, if you’re meeting me for dinner I’ve probably given the name “Ferdinand.”

About Laura Grace Weldon

Laura Grace Weldon is a writer and editor, perhaps due to an English professor's scathing denunciation of her writing as "curious verbiage." She's the author of "Free Range Learning," a handbook of natural learning and "Tending," a poetry collection. (lauragraceweldon.com) She's working on her next book, "Subversive Cooking" (subversivecooking.com). She lives on Bit of Earth Farm where she is a barely useful farm wench. Although she has deadlines to meet she often wanders from the computer to preach hope, snort with laughter, cook subversively, talk to chickens and cows, discuss life’s deeper meaning with her surprisingly tolerant offspring, sing to bees, hide in books, walk dogs, concoct tinctures, watch foreign films, and make messy art.
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10 Responses to Not My Real Name

  1. I bet your mail carrier really enjoys delivering these! Fun.

  2. Helen Layley says:

    My adopted grandmother, Granty, is Ethel Day. We used to send packages to Miss Every Day (we love you more) or Granty Ethelumps or MissTy Day or other such silliness. She only asked us to make sure that the surname, Day, was clear so that the poor postie had a chance! Sadly she is blind now so our mischief is restricted to the fact that we always announce ourselves as her grandchildren and yet she has never been married …. (A big deal in her generation) We hear her muttering as she is led to the phone ‘She isn’t really my grand-daughter you know …’ but she loves it! She loves being scandalous and acting scandalised and has been known to refer to us as her grandchildren just to set tongues wagging if the WI group or similar were being particularly self-righteous or straight-laced.

  3. So I pretty much do what you do in terms of fake names but the results are occasionally catastrophic http://acollectionofmusings.wordpress.com/2013/05/14/why-janes-and-jims-are-less-prone-to-trouble/

  4. Love it! I do the restaurant thing too ;) Your writing is so refreshing.
    Congrats on being Pressed

  5. Kerry P says:

    That is hilarious! I give fake names when ordering take-away. when i was a teenager it was the feminine version of my crush’s real name!

  6. 7zander says:

    You had me giggling so much that i disturbed the house. Love your blog, thank you.

  7. Larry Siegel says:

    You’re a funny lady, Laura Grace Weldon (if that is your real name)

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